I have been staying at this establishment for several months now, and I wish to inform you of my short list of complaints. Short, only because at this time I have not yet thought of more.
- Hooman frequently gives me baths, cleans my room, and rearranges my belongings. I then have to spend my valuable time moving everything back to where I like it, before the crazy hooman lady comes back and moves it again. This is unacceptable and I demand compensation in the form of four horn worms.
- Hooman constantly changes out my salad for fresh kale and arugula. This is unacceptable. I do not like the nice fresh leaves, I much prefer them to be dry and crunchy. Hooman knows this, and yet for reasons I cannot fathom, she insists on doing it this way. I am not happy with this horrendous treatment, and I demand compensation in the form of four horn worms.
- I frequently see said Hooman eating. Yes, I have a full salad bowl, and yes I have just feasted on several worms, but she is currently eating and I am not. This does not make me happy. Does she just forget I am here? Does she not notice me? Does she just not care? Whatever the reasons, I am not happy, and will not tolerate this behaviour any longer. I demand compensation in the form of four horn worms.
- And speaking of horn worms, that is another thing. Hooman went out this morning and returned (not too promptly may I add) with six horn worms. Great, I thought, hooman is redeeming herself. But no, I only received two of those horn worms. Yes, I am vaguely aware of the existence of the two other bearded dragons in this establishment, but I would have thought she realized by now that I do not like sharing. It is not acceptable that I must share my six horn worms with those other imposters. I demand compensation for this atrocity in the form of four horn worms.
- I do hope that hooman can keep count of these demands. That is sixteen horn worms that I do not wish to share, nor save some for later. Failure to oblige by these demands will result in further action.
Hooman, thank you for taking the time to read my list of complaints. The next list of complaints will be arriving momentarily.
Signed, Betty the Bearded Dragon